Still Be My Vision

Three kids has tipped the scale for this Mama. It's been harder to find my groove and has left me feeling this constant discouragement and failure. About a month ago, Jason mentioned the dreaded words "postpartum depression" and I ended up going into my doctor because I just hadn't been feeling like the me, the mother, the wife that I knew I could be. What I have learned is that it's not so much of a depression and sadness, but more of feeling like things are piling up on me and won't stop. I wake up feeling overwhelmed and go to bed feeling overwhelmed or discouraged. I struggle with the feeling that I'm just constantly taking care of mundane things and I have lost the ability to find motivation to do that things that brought me satisfaction and joy. I've been fighting with my emotions and snapping a lot quicker. And I'm just exhausted.

It's been super hard to figure out exactly how I've been feeling since Hailey has been born, and it's been easy to write it all off as "motherhood". But I don't want to feel THIS defeated all the time. So I've been talking with someone about it. And she asked me the question "If you could do one thing to change today what would it be?" Automatically I said I would beat these sleep issues with Hailey and I wanted to get her on a bottle! ha But then she dug a little deeper and we discovered that I really miss the "teaching" time I had been doing with my big girls that has been failing so miserably this past year. And she told me to journal. Which was a great suggestion, because I really miss my blogging. There's something about typing that seems to bring out the thoughts in ways that I can't articulate to people. So, here it is!

Since we've moved up here I feel like I've outdone myself. I'm SO excited to be a part of this awesome church group up here and I've gone a little overboard with social things, studies, small groups. I'm just so excited to have an amazing and supportive church family again that I just want to be involved in everything! I took on starting up my new business right after Hailey came along. And keeping a household up and running is seriously a full time job. This mama has had unrealistic expectations of what she thinks she can do. I want to do it ALL, and in turn... I end up either doing nothing because I get stressed out and shut down or doing things so poorly. Over the last month, I have quit my small business. I loved sharing those cute dresses with people, and the girls had so much fun helping me out, but it was always on my mind, haunting me and pestering me. I don't have the time or energy to grow my business so I just put it on hold for now. I ended up pulling out of a couple of other things I have been involved in because I just want to focus on one bible study, or one book or one activity. What is it that makes me feel like I can do it all? I don't know... but it's exhausting.

When we got home from Las Vegas I was kind of happy that it was cold, dark and snowy here because it'll make me SLOW DOWN! And really I feel like I've been looking at what I've been doing and I'm just trying to figure out what the most important things are right now. I want to enjoy my kids and enjoy them while they're little and they still think I'm the most amazing thing on this planet! I want to teach them, council them and play with them. I want to have energy to spend time with my husband at the end of the day. I want to enjoy cooking again instead of being so frustrated about meal planning and meal time chaos. I want to be able to spend my time more wisely instead of just completely shutting down and just watching a TV show. See... even in all my "wants" I am trying to do too much! I just can't win can I? But from talking with someone, she has pointed out to me that I just need to do it in small bits. For example, instead of planning out a whole week of activities for the girls, start with 2 half hour activity blocks with them. That I can do and not freak out about.

I was listening to one of my favorite songs at the moment and thought I'd drop them here to close because this song brought much encouragement and peace to my heart tonight. I know that God is with me and He is refining me and guiding me through the craziness of this part of my life. So I will continue to pray and hold on to my faithfulness to Him. I'll let the song do the rest of the talking because it's everything else I would have tried to say.

"You Are My Vision"

You are my vision, O king of my heart
Nothing else satisfies, only You, Lord
You are my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Your presence, my light

You are my wisdom, You are my true word
I ever with You, and You with me, Lord
You're my great Father, and I'm Your true son
You dwell inside me, together we're one

You are my battle-shield, sword for the fight
You are my dignity, You're my delight
You're my soul's shelter and You're my high tower
Come, raise me heavenward, O Power of my power

I don't want riches or a man's empty praise
You're my inheritance, now and always
You and You only, the first in my heart
High king of heaven, my treasure You are

High king of heaven, when victory's won
May I reach heaven's joy, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

And of course it wouldn't be a blog without pictures, so here's some of what we've been doing lately. 

Hailey's Baby Room!

It only took 3 1/2 months to finish it off, but I think it's finally ready for sharing. I had fun putting it together, but it was definitely the one room I put the most time and effort into. But I really like how it ended up! I know it's just a baby room, and that she doesn't care whatsoever.... but it was really nice to get crafty again. My craftiness has been slacking in life. And my dad made the mountain shelves himself! They turned out amazing! So, here it is!

Bacteria in a Petri Dish

This last weekend we experienced our first hospitalization with one of the younglings. Friday, early morning, when I went to feed Hailey Pie, she was burning up with a temperature of 101.4! So at 3:30 in the morning, I ran her to the ER to get her checked out. Since she was less than 2 months, it's taken very seriously so they ran urine tests, blood tests, and a chest x-ray to rule things out. But as the results were coming back, they couldn't find anything wrong with her. Besides the fever and slight congestion, there wasn't anything... so they sent us home. She has a low grade fever the rest of the day, but early Saturday morning I got a call from the ER doctor saying that the blood culture they took from her showed up positive for a possible blood infection and we had to come back in.

SO Saturday morning, we were admitted to the hospital and she was hooked up to an IV and they started a second blood culture then too. We basically had to wait 48 hours for this bacteria to grow to show what infection was happening. By this point on Saturday, her fever was gone and she was completely normal. But when a doctor sounds concerned, obviously I'm going to freak out a bit and do whatever needed to get my baby healthy again. To make a long story so much shorter than our stupid hospital stay... the first blood test came back as being contaminated. Meaning, it was something on her skin or in the environment that apparently got into the bottle... but at the same time, the second blood culture came back positive for showing an infection. Sooooooo, we had to stay another 48 hours to find out WHY.

Basically, after three days of being in the hospital, two blood cultures and MANY pokes to find a vein for the IV, it turns out there was nothing wrong with her. It was just two contaminated blood cultures. Sara and Jordyn had been fighting a cold and they're assuming that the fever was just a slight cold she was fighting off and that was all.

Now, let's get to the real part of why I'm writing all this. It wasn't to complain about doctors, or hospitals, or tests but it's about the lesson God taught me through all of this. Patience. I've always had issues with patience and not losing it when I'm really frustrated. It was SO hard to watch my baby lay there screaming and to be held down by two different people while another was struggling to find a vein only to fail at it and have to start again somewhere else. I'm pretty sure she has about 7 or 8 bruises on her arms from all that. There were so many times I just cried asking God why he was putting her through all this. Who knows why? At a couple points Jason and I were contemplating just taking her home because clearly it didn't seem like ANYTHING was wrong with her, but there was that tiny chance that held me back that I should stay. All of the stay for nothing. But through it, I gained a lot of trust in God. I'm not one to just say "Ok God, you're in control you know what you're doing... I'm not going to worry." But there were so many times where I was like "what are we going to do?!!" And the question was answered and God gave us ways through it. It's so clear looking back that he was under control.

Pain isn't fun, especially when it's your child, but I can see now that God lets these things happen to bring us closer to him. There was really nothing left to do, but to run to Him and give up any hope of controlling the situation myself. I had to find my peace in Him instead of stewing over how pissed off I could be. I'm grateful that he has kept Hailey safe and healthy through all of this and that he has shown me his strong hand in my life. I'm so grateful that he has given me my children and that I am the Mother they get to have. Ultimately, I have just been reminded that my babies are in His hands, which is a scary, yet comforting thought.

So that's my little lesson learned. We're home now and it's amazing how happy and content she's been since we got back. I really think she knows she's home! :) Although, when I asked Sara if she was happy to have her sister home she said "No, I'm happy to have YOU home Mommy!" But I know she loves her baby too! haha

Two Year Old Jordyn

How fun our little Jordyn is 2! I still remember her birth like it was yesterday. She's been so much fun to watch grow. It was fun, obviously, to watch Sara too, but Jordyn does different things than Sara so that's what has kept us on our toes.

Here's some Jordyn Stats:

• Height: 35 inches.
• Weight: 22 pounds
• Clothes: 2T but the pants are getting too short... 3T pants are too big on the waist. Skinny toddler problems. 
• Still in diapers. Though we talk about going on the potty ALL the time. I may take a stab at training while my mom is here to help.
• Teeth: She has all but her 2-year-old molars on the top!
• Shoe Size: 5-6

Person in the whole world: Mommy

Color: Blue

TV Show: Umi Zoomie or Mickey

Outfit: Probably any shirt with a character on it. She loves her Buzz Lightyear jacket (hand-me-down). But what she really loves is putting on underwear and shoes.

Sport: Racing. She loves running laps around the house. She also loves her little bike. 

Song: Anything on the Moana soundtrack

Cereal: Oatmeal

Friend: Sara

Book: Leslie Patricelli write books with this little baby. We have like 5 of them and she can "read" them all. We read them every day! ha

Food: She asks for "Square Cheese" and smoothies daily. But loves chicken drumsticks, carrots, and strawberries best.

Movie: Right now she'd pick Cars, Big Hero 6 or Toy Story

Phrases: "Moooommmmaaaa" "No troll left behind" (haha) "Mine" she also likes to thank Sara. "Thank you Sara" it's pretty cute. She says a ton... but nothing is sticking out that she says ALL the time.

Stuffed Animal: Her Doggy and her little Kitty to which she calls them Woof Woof and Meow

Things to do: She loves playing with her Little People toys, toy cars, water table, parks, crafts, anything basically anything Sara is doing.

Some Firsts

She had her first haircut when we moved up here. I cut it myself! Wowzza! But it turned out pretty decent. 

She's been in a toddler bed for a while now. She sucks at staying in bed... it's a daily struggle, but we're getting there. 

I've got nothing else.... I can't think of anything else too significant to be a first. 

Dislikes

Sharing toys or having them stolen from Sara

Staying in bed

Listening to directions

Being away from Mommy (she IS getting a little better though)

Hailey (haha)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 June 12, 2017

We didn't throw a big party for Jordyn this year. Just wasn't happening. But I did try to make the day really fun for her.

It started off with some fun decorations. I couldn't put balloons in her room because it would have been too annoying for Mommy, so I threw some streamers and balloons up and she was so excited to see it all! I actually didn't think she'd care too much, but it was fun to see her so happy.

We had to rush off to her 2 year old check up... I know, what a fun way to start off your birthday. She threw a fit near the end because she didn't want to lay down on the doctor table. Good grief. Poor girl is still only in the 5th percentile for her weight. 80th for height though!

We played at the park! She finally decided that slides are in fact fun and that she'll start going down them by herself!

When Daddy was home for lunch we opened lots of fun presents! The pirate ship was her favorite.

After naps, the girls helped make cupcakes and after dinner we scarffed them down and enjoyed a family movie night with a movie picked by the birthday girl!

I think it was all around a pretty fun day for her. :)