I didn't want to write about this until I was ready. But a week has passed and it's time. The morning gets re-played in my mind constantly. The horror, the trama, the scared and terrified feeling I felt rush back to me several times every day. I won't ever forget how it felt to loose my little baby.
Not many knew that we were 11 1/2 weeks pregnant, because we had literally been telling people last week. The excitement was fresh and it was great to finally tell people about the new addition to our family. It was a huge change to add to our lives; on top of our new home, new people, new church, new job, new everything. And now it has all changed again.
The cramping had started in the middle of the night and since I found out I was pregnant, I was always just reading about miscarriages and how they felt. That morning I was terrified because I was feeling everything that I had read so casually about. I tried to just brush it off and got myself ready to go to work, but I just couldn't do it. My principal, who cares A LOT about me (and the rest of her teachers) rushed me to the hospital. The doctor told me I should be ok with some rest and that it was just a threatened pregnancy. On the way home is when it happened. The cramping got worse and then just suddenly stopped along with a rush of blood. Without expressing too much of what happened next, you can only imagine. I will never forget the pain I felt, and the feeling of loosing it. It was so sad because I knew what was happening and couldn't do anything at all to stop it. I was just sitting in the restroom, crying my eyes out, until I heard Jason's helpless and scared voice outside the door. He knew what was happening too. Together we just grieved.
But I'm not writing this little blog to tell you how sad we are. I'm writing to share my experience because so many other women have shared theirs with me the past week. Knowing that so many other women have been through this has made it a little easier to cope. It also really reminds me that it's NOT my fault that this happened. Most likely our little Pickle wasn't developing correctly and my body knew I should not hold on to it. Jason and I are very hopeful for the future because a lot of the people who shared their experience told us about all the wonderful children they went on to have. We trust that God has already planned out what our family is going to look like in the future and that we will have kids and each will be a wonderful blessing. Even the one we lost was a blessing, even if it was only for 11 weeks.
So yes, what happened completely sucked. It has already been a pretty tough couple months with moving away from my family and really close friends for the first time, starting a new job, moving to a new state, being pregnant one day and then not the next... But we choose to focus on the blessing little Pickle was for the short time we had him/her in our life. We praise God for giving us that time and we just remember to thank him for the sucky days in our life as well as the wonderful ones. Our God has been our comfort, and even if we don't understand why exactly this happened, we believe that our Father is giving us the strength to get through it and that we really have to trust Him always.
But we want to thank all of you who supported, loved, and prayed for us during this difficult time. We really appreciated it and feel the love all the way from over here on the coast.