It all started back in September... with the ultimate surprise! Another baby. Immediately following that surprise was the million dollar question; "Will Melissa go back to teaching next year or stay home?" I know that 9 months is a long time to think about it and decide, but if you know anything about me you would know that I like to know what's going to happen, and I like to have a plan. So sitting on this decision for months has been so hard. Jason has always been supportive of me and has encouraged me to just stay home, but I've been torn up over it because it's really the hardest decision.
Why has it been so difficult? Well, I love my job. I love what I do and I feel that I'm pretty good at it. I see it as ministry to young kids and it's something that has made me happy for the past 8 years. I have LOVED the school year this year with all the changes and new responsibilities I've been able to take on. I love the way I've been able to teach here, and most of all.. I have a pretty amazing class and co-teacher here. So it should be easy to just say yes to continue teaching right? Wrong! With that love of teaching comes loads of hard work that takes up so much of my time and energy. Plus I feel so guilty sometimes that I love my job so much. By the time I get home I only have 2-3 hours with Sara before she goes to bed. I miss her during the day and I'm sad that I can't be with her. I'm sad I can't be the one to lead her in her life and to raise her up to be awesome. It's hard giving up my career because I have this fear that I will never get it back when I want. But I don't want to look back and regret not taking the chance to stay at home with little babies while they're still little.
On top of all that there are obvious life style changes that would have to take place in order for me to stay home. Half of our monthly income would vanish in an instant. We've been so comfortable the past 5 1/2 years, it's a little scary to think about only living on one income. But to that, I have just learned that I will need to trust God. He will provide for us and we will be okay. Taking that step though is so hard! I feel like it really IS a step of faith. I'm jumping off a cliff and praying that God will keep us adrift. So we would have to coupon, stop eating out, watch what we buy and where we travel... at least the girls would have their Mama around to bring them up.
Then there's the personal appearance aspect that has been eating me up. I'd like to say I'm the kind of person who doesn't care what people think... but really, I'm not that person. I know how people look at stay at home moms and how they treat them, and that scares me. It's almost like I feel as if I will loose all creditability as a legitimate adult in some ways. Or that I will become this lazy person who just sits around and has all this free time. I don't know what it'll be like to be a stay at home mom with two tiny children... but I know that it's not going to be easy. I guess in some way I feel like I won't be contributing to the world like I am when I've been a teacher. I know it's stupid, but it's the truth.
Ultimately, I really had to search my heart and pray about this. In the end, I believe that God equips us with what we to get through a challenge in our lives. For me, I know that this is what God wants from me right now. I believe that God has me in the right spot, at the right time, for the right people. This job is an important one, and I'm putting all my faith and trust that this will be the best decision for our family. I AM Sara and Thing 2's Mama, and home is where I need to be for a while in this life.
I do finally feel at peace over this decision. I feel confident that I will be where I am needed most and I feel like I have finally gotten over the fact that I have to make major sacrifices in my life and I have begun to see the bigger picture. My life isn't over, it's just going down a new undiscovered path.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.