Still Be My Vision

Three kids has tipped the scale for this Mama. It's been harder to find my groove and has left me feeling this constant discouragement and failure. About a month ago, Jason mentioned the dreaded words "postpartum depression" and I ended up going into my doctor because I just hadn't been feeling like the me, the mother, the wife that I knew I could be. What I have learned is that it's not so much of a depression and sadness, but more of feeling like things are piling up on me and won't stop. I wake up feeling overwhelmed and go to bed feeling overwhelmed or discouraged. I struggle with the feeling that I'm just constantly taking care of mundane things and I have lost the ability to find motivation to do that things that brought me satisfaction and joy. I've been fighting with my emotions and snapping a lot quicker. And I'm just exhausted.

It's been super hard to figure out exactly how I've been feeling since Hailey has been born, and it's been easy to write it all off as "motherhood". But I don't want to feel THIS defeated all the time. So I've been talking with someone about it. And she asked me the question "If you could do one thing to change today what would it be?" Automatically I said I would beat these sleep issues with Hailey and I wanted to get her on a bottle! ha But then she dug a little deeper and we discovered that I really miss the "teaching" time I had been doing with my big girls that has been failing so miserably this past year. And she told me to journal. Which was a great suggestion, because I really miss my blogging. There's something about typing that seems to bring out the thoughts in ways that I can't articulate to people. So, here it is!

Since we've moved up here I feel like I've outdone myself. I'm SO excited to be a part of this awesome church group up here and I've gone a little overboard with social things, studies, small groups. I'm just so excited to have an amazing and supportive church family again that I just want to be involved in everything! I took on starting up my new business right after Hailey came along. And keeping a household up and running is seriously a full time job. This mama has had unrealistic expectations of what she thinks she can do. I want to do it ALL, and in turn... I end up either doing nothing because I get stressed out and shut down or doing things so poorly. Over the last month, I have quit my small business. I loved sharing those cute dresses with people, and the girls had so much fun helping me out, but it was always on my mind, haunting me and pestering me. I don't have the time or energy to grow my business so I just put it on hold for now. I ended up pulling out of a couple of other things I have been involved in because I just want to focus on one bible study, or one book or one activity. What is it that makes me feel like I can do it all? I don't know... but it's exhausting.

When we got home from Las Vegas I was kind of happy that it was cold, dark and snowy here because it'll make me SLOW DOWN! And really I feel like I've been looking at what I've been doing and I'm just trying to figure out what the most important things are right now. I want to enjoy my kids and enjoy them while they're little and they still think I'm the most amazing thing on this planet! I want to teach them, council them and play with them. I want to have energy to spend time with my husband at the end of the day. I want to enjoy cooking again instead of being so frustrated about meal planning and meal time chaos. I want to be able to spend my time more wisely instead of just completely shutting down and just watching a TV show. See... even in all my "wants" I am trying to do too much! I just can't win can I? But from talking with someone, she has pointed out to me that I just need to do it in small bits. For example, instead of planning out a whole week of activities for the girls, start with 2 half hour activity blocks with them. That I can do and not freak out about.

I was listening to one of my favorite songs at the moment and thought I'd drop them here to close because this song brought much encouragement and peace to my heart tonight. I know that God is with me and He is refining me and guiding me through the craziness of this part of my life. So I will continue to pray and hold on to my faithfulness to Him. I'll let the song do the rest of the talking because it's everything else I would have tried to say.

"You Are My Vision"

You are my vision, O king of my heart
Nothing else satisfies, only You, Lord
You are my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, Your presence, my light

You are my wisdom, You are my true word
I ever with You, and You with me, Lord
You're my great Father, and I'm Your true son
You dwell inside me, together we're one

You are my battle-shield, sword for the fight
You are my dignity, You're my delight
You're my soul's shelter and You're my high tower
Come, raise me heavenward, O Power of my power

I don't want riches or a man's empty praise
You're my inheritance, now and always
You and You only, the first in my heart
High king of heaven, my treasure You are

High king of heaven, when victory's won
May I reach heaven's joy, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

And of course it wouldn't be a blog without pictures, so here's some of what we've been doing lately.